RED OR GREEN

                                                       During an eye exam, one of the tests used is the red /green test. We put up a chart                                               with letters. The left side of the chart is red, and the right side is green We ask the                                               patient which side seems clearer. If you say red it tells us to add minus lenses. If                                                    you say green, we need to add plus lenes. We do this until both sides seem equal and                                         this a good starting point as we head into the exam.

                                     This story happened about 20 years ago. I was early December and Christmas was a                                          few weeks away. I was doing this test on a 7-year little girl. She was a great                                                             responder and breezed right through.  I was ready to move on to the next test when                                          she asked me if she could ask me a question. I said, 'Sure honey.' She asked,' Do you                                            always use red and green for this test or you just doing that because it is almost                                                  Christmas? 

                                     During a normal day, I will do this very same test 20-30 times depending on the

                                     roster. Every time I do this little test, I think of that little girl. To this day, she is the                                             only one whoever asked me if the colors were part of a seasonal theme. 

                                     On a side note, I have found that no matter what I do, I cannot get Purdue people to                                           pick the red side of the chart no matter what I do.

                                                                   KIDDING A KID                                                                                                                                                       

                                                 One morning I was checking the eyes of a young girl. I would guess her to be about seven years old. 

                                          Her mom was in the exam chair and her sat in one of the gray chairs behind me. She was very well behaved

                                          and yes, if you are wondering if you are wondering if I bribed her. Some kids play games on their mom's                                                    phone. Others play with baby dolls or toys they brought with them. This little girl was watching every move                                            I made.

                                            I knew the young mother for a long time. I took out the O scope and look at her retinas. I was up in her face

                                           observing the health in the back of her eyes. I winked at the mom and told her front eyes were indeed                                                       fine but now I needed to check the eyes in the back of her head.  She smiled and I went behind her and                                                     lifted up her hair in the back and then went around to do the same thing for the left side. We both were                                                   looking at the little girl, and she was sitting there with her mouth so wide open we could have popped a                                                   candy bar in her mouth sideways.

                                        After we chucked a little. I did not tell the little one we were pulling her leg. I told mom she could tell her on                                            the way home we were just kidding. On the other hand, I told her she could get a lot of milage out of this 

                                        if she played her cards right.

                                                                                             NO SH_T?

 At least once a week, we will have a patient call in telling us they have blood in their eye.

They are very worried and want to be seen. These are usually not serious because they have blood on their eye and not in it. A blood vessel will burst and will have blood on the white part of the eye.

This is called a sub conjunctiva hemorrhage. They can occur secondarily from sneezing, coughing, vomiting, and over from exertion. Women often get this as they are giving birth. In really extreme case they can last 10-14 days. As I explain this, I am setting on a small chair rolling around on a large plastic mat. I explain if I would put a small drop of blood on the mat and another mat on top of the bottom. It would look like 5 gallons of blood but really is a tiny drop squished out.

The cells in the white part of the eye are some of the most tightly compressed cells in the human body. It is usually harmless but looks bad. It alarms the patient and worries onlookers even more.

I have taught my girls this and they have heard me explain these many times.

years ago, I had a dandy as I came into work. All 3 of my girls looked at me and one asked what is going on. I said,' I am constipated.' My assistant said, No sh__t?' I said, exactly.'

If one did not know they might have thought, we had rehearsed this gig. We had a good laugh and again shows sometimes life is better than television. 

                                                               SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT

I had something weird happen several years ago. I had a patient who had a very bad eye infection in his left eye.  The eye was as red as a firetruck, and he was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I am a pretty big guy. When I popped into the room I saw a mountain of a man. I am not sure, but I think he could hold me upside down and could shake the change out of my pockets!

I greeted him and as usual made a little small talk. I then began to ask him questions about his eye. As he explained he was pointing to his left eye but kept referring to it as his right eye. One could tell from across the street the eye with the issue was his left. I said," You keep pointing at your left eye, but you keep calling it your right eye. I just want to make sure we are on the same page."

He took offense to my correction. He said, Doc, do you think I am so dumb I cannot tell my right eye from my left. "I wanted to hold up my hand as if in class and say pick me, pick me. I knew the answer to his question.

I explained that I was not there to argue with him. I knew what to do as long as we agree on which   eye needs treatment. He pointed again at his left eye and said," Just fix my right eye." I gave him the meds he needed and instructed him to return if the problem should remain or worsen. He never thanked me and walked right out the door or left depending on how you want to look at it. He has never been back, and I doubt I will never see him again. I am sure he thinks I am a big idiot,  and I can assure you, the feeling is mutual.

                                                          HILLBILLY WISDOM

I had a young man come see me on a Saturday morning. He was going through the academy to be a

Indiana State Trooper. He was first in his class in intelligence. He was again at the top of his class in ability to perform the physical tasks required. His weakness was that in shooting he was the bottom of his class. He told me that he could not hit the broad side of a barn.

I soon learned that there were no barns around where he grew up. He was a city boy, and his dad did not shoot or hunt and he had no training. At the school he was doing everything they taught him, but it did not seem to help. This young man had perfect vision with 20/2O in both eyes. He could see well but was perplexed why he could not shoot well. 

I asked him to look though my hillbilly telescope. I handed him a roll of paper towels that was about half full. I asked him to hold it up to his eye and look at the stature of a horse head across the room. He held it up to his left eye. This young man was holding the pistol in his right hand was closing his left eye. In other words, he was shooting at a target that was not where he thought it was. I am surprised the instructor missed this. 

While we are being formed in our mother's womb (Psalm 139), the wires from our brain to our eyes are being connected. The brain always has a favorite! I often ask patients during an exam which hand they favor. Ninety percent a righty will favor their right. That is also the case for southpaws. However, ten percent of the time the favor the opposite eye. This is called cross dominance.

This soon to be trooper was young but still too old to learn how to shoot left-handed. I showed him a little trick and the easiest way to deal with this is to realize his aim will always be off but just to allow for it. His solution was just to envision the target three inches to the left and always aim there.

His right eye was giving him false information. It was lying to him. I felt blessed to be able to help him achieve his goal and he went on to become a very good shot.

I would think a few of you out there know this. I would bet that most never have given this any thought. Yet right now are wondering which eye brain favors. Let's take a shot at it. Look at object across the room. Keep both eyes open and point at it with your index finger. It does not matter which hand or index finger you use. The one that is still spot on is your dominant eye. Close the other eye and you will be surprised how far you are off.

                                         Aim at Heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and 

                                         will get neither.                                     C.S. Lewis

                                                                                      THE SAME BOAT                                             

Our oldest son, Joshua, is a naval aviator. I had a young girl about age seven in the exam chair. One of her parents had shared with her that he was a pilot and was able to land his jet on a floating runway called an aircraft carrier.

She was intrigued by his profession and asked me several questions. For her young age, I was impressed by her questions. I needed to get on with the exam but was enjoying answering them as best I could. When she came in, he was on an aircraft carrier on the other side of the world. He was flying into and over hostile enemy territory.

Sometimes we could talk via email. He would tell us he has several flights all in the same day. He would ask us to pray not just for him, but all involved on the mission. Then the ship would go" midnight" and we could not reach him or hear from him for several days. A parent's heart can go crazy at times like this. I think all loving parents are in the same boat in this regard. I did not think my hair could get any grayer, but I was mistaken.

This little girl pierced right through my armor and office game face when she launched a question that took me by surprise. I was able to keep my composure but think I must have looked like I had swallowed a goldfish. She asked me if he was able to fly back to our house and sleep in his own bed every night.

I told her the navy would not allow him to do that, but that I sure wish that that was possible. I used to say and think it never hurts to ask. I may have alter my position on this after her precious question.

                                                                             DRIVING DAD CRAZY                  

I enjoy my conversations with soon to be drivers. Some have just received their permit. Some have their license and are just giddy about their newfound freedom.

As an ice breaker, I will often ask them a question. I ask if there was a new law and the fine state of Indiana would give them a free brand-new vehicle, what would they ask for?

I get all kinds of answers. Some know exactly what they would ask for brand, size, shape and color. Many stammer around and have no clue and have never given any thought to this. I am amazed by how many young girls will choose pick-up trucks these days. Some only want a dependable ride that can give them reliable transportation. I had one young man tell me about a car that I had never heard of. I found later it sells for about 750,000 dollars. He planned to sell it buy a muscle car and but to put the rest money into the bank.

When time allows, I will often tell them about a story when I was about to get my own license. My dad would take me on the backroads around Bristow. He would let me drive his Buick centurion. 

One evening, he asked me a question as we hit the road. he asked what I would do if a beer bottle was in the road and a car was coming, what would I do. I explained I would slow down or stop and after the car passed drive around the bottle and proceed down the road. Dad seemed satisfied with my answer.

About a mile or two down the road a car was coming, and a 16 oz glass Pepsi bottle was in our lane, and a car was coming towards us. I did not slow are stop and ran right over the pop bottle. My dad went off on me like a bottle rocket. For my dad, I am sure it was a mind bottling experience. ;) He went through the roof, and I thought he was going to make his Buick into a convertible!

I have always tried to use humor to defuse times of anger and confrontation. He asked me why I didn't what I said I would do when he laid out this very same scenario earlier. I told him that I knew what do if it was a beer bottle, but this was different. It was a Pepsi bottle. Humor does not always work and sometimes can even make things worse ... much worse. This was one of those times.