We don't believe in mowing the lawn; we do it to avoid unnecessary
engagement with the neighbors. Miranda Judy
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lay around - that's their job
George Carlin
Polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.
Bear says I will have a gin .......10 second pause and tonic. The bartender asked
him why the big pause. The bear says oh I have always had them.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac , an agnostic, and a dylexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering or not there is a dog.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifiankis
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Anthony G.Oettinger
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it was not for him, we'd be watching television
by candlelight. Milton Berle
Computers are becoming more human like. When a computer crashes, the other
computers slow down to see what happened.
What is a janitor's favorite movie?
MOP GUN
There will be a rain dance Friday night weather permitting.
George Carlin
That money talks ,I will not deny
I heard it once, it said''goodbye"
Richard Armour
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator and only a fraction of the people find this funny.
It was a divine sermon.For it was like the peace of God which passeth all understanding . And like his mercy seemed to endure forever. Henry Hawkins
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
Marvin Kitman
If you die on an elevator , be sure and push the up button.
Sam Levensons
Read a true story about Muhammad Ali this morning. Ali was on a plane about to take off. The flight attendant
told the champ to put fasten his seatbelt. Ali replied," Superman don't need no seatbelt. " The attendant
said," Superman don't need no airplane."
I had a really rough day yesterday. It was Monday. I do not think I have ever heard anyone say , TGIM.
Maybe some poor soul did say it shortly before they perished. I have always found strength in numbers. It
gives me great comfort knowing that 7 out of 8 dwarfs are not happy.
GKG
I was walking down the street wearing glasses and my prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
What color is the wind?
Blew
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
I'll catch ya later.
Me and my recliner go way back. ; )
There is a gift that would be perfect for Father's day. His face
will light up every time he uses it. A fridge
I have had the idea of starting a new club of people who want to get together and play hide and seek.
It has been a little tougher than I thought because good players are really hard to find.(wink)
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they did not
change was on page 87. Steve Martin
If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Steven Wright
How can you tell if a bloke is Irish or not by watching him laugh?
If he is from Ireland, he will be Dublin over.
My dad worked for Alcoa for over 30 years. Some of his best friends nds were Kentuckians. They all
traded jokes and made fun of each other. My dad would tell a joke making the Kentuckian out to be a idiot
and his buddies would do the same with Hoosier jokes. So I grew up with a steady diet of jokes that my dad brought home from work that usually were shared around the kitchen table.
Often after greeting patients , I ask where they are from. I then usually tell them a little about my background
and feel is a great ice breaker and a good way to start the exam. I have slipped a few times over the years to do this prior to telling a Kentuckian joke. A half hearted smile makes me think they have heard my funny before. Once in a while they slip in a comment later about 'down home' and I knew I blew it. It is all in fun mind you but I do wonder if someday they will make
outlaw humor as well. When they do, I'll be an outlaw.
The one I am about to share is one of my favorites . I have pooled a large group of people over the years who say this is new to them.
Q So what amazes a Kentuckian about a swimming pool?
A For the life of them they cannot understand how those little ropes keep the water from flowing down
to the shallow end!
I only know 25 letters. I don't know Y.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
A big hairy scary muscular man was giving an elderly man a hard time. The old guy warned the big man his son only lived 5 minutes away . He went on to say that if he called him , his son would come to his aid and would clean his clock in no time flat.
The giant said he was not afraid and told him to go ahead and call his son. The old guy warned him yet again and told him he would be sorry. His son is a dolphin trainer and trains dolphins every day. The big dude said he did not care what he did so please ask him to come right on over.
In 5 minutes an average size guy pulls up in an average car. He calmly walks up asks if this is the guy who has been picking on his dad and was told yes. He lit into him like there was no tomorrow! In two minutes the fight was over.The big man was flat on his back bleeding , dirty, and had a broken arm and was groaning and moaning in pain. As the boy was leading his dad back to the car, this is what the big fellow heard as they walked past him.
' Dad , for the the last time will you please quit telling people I am a dolphin trainer! I train Navy Seals for a living.'
Babies don't need vacations , but I still see them at the beach.
Steven Wright
There are times in life when people must learn when not to let go.
Baloons are designed to teach small children this. Terry Pratchett
Read a true story about Muhammad Ali this morning. Ali was on a plane about to take off. The flight attendant
told the champ to put fasten his seatbelt. Ali replied," Superman don't need no seatbelt. " The attendant
said," Superman don't need no airplane."
I had a really rough day yesterday. It was Monday. I do not think I have ever heard anyone say , TGIM.
Maybe some poor soul did say it shortly before they perished. I have always found strength in numbers. It
gives me great comfort knowing that 7 out of 8 dwarfs are not happy.
GKG
I was walking down the street wearing glasses and my prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
What color is the wind?
Blew
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
I'll catch ya later.
Me and my recliner go way back. ; )
There is a gift that would be perfect for Father's day. His face
will light up every time he uses it. A fridge
I have had the idea of starting a new club of people who want to get together and play hide and seek.
It has been a little tougher than I thought because good players are really hard to find.(wink)
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they did not
change was on page 87. Steve Martin
If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Steven Wright
How can you tell if a bloke is Irish or not by watching him laugh?
If he is from Ireland, he will be Dublin over.
My dad worked for Alcoa for over 30 years. Some of his best friends nds were Kentuckians. They all
traded jokes and made fun of each other. My dad would tell a joke making the Kentuckian out to be a idiot
and his buddies would do the same with Hoosier jokes. So I grew up with a steady diet of jokes that my dad brought home from work that usually were shared around the kitchen table.
Often after greeting patients , I ask where they are from. I then usually tell them a little about my background
and feel is a great ice breaker and a good way to start the exam. I have slipped a few times over the years to do this prior to telling a Kentuckian joke. A half hearted smile makes me think they have heard my funny before. Once in a while they slip in a comment later about 'down home' and I knew I blew it. It is all in fun mind you but I do wonder if someday they will make
outlaw humor as well. When they do, I'll be an outlaw.
The one I am about to share is one of my favorites . I have pooled a large group of people over the years who say this is new to them.
Q So what amazes a Kentuckian about a swimming pool?
A For the life of them they cannot understand how those little ropes keep the water from flowing down
to the shallow end!
I only know 25 letters. I don't know Y.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
A big hairy scary muscular man was giving an elderly man a hard time. The old guy warned the big man his son only lived 5 minutes away . He went on to say that if he called him , his son would come to his aid and would clean his clock in no time flat.
The giant said he was not afraid and told him to go ahead and call his son. The old guy warned him yet again and told him he would be sorry. His son is a dolphin trainer and trains dolphins every day. The big dude said he did not care what he did so please ask him to come right on over.
In 5 minutes an average size guy pulls up in an average car. He calmly walks up asks if this is the guy who has been picking on his dad and was told yes. He lit into him like there was no tomorrow! In two minutes the fight was over.The big man was flat on his back bleeding , dirty, and had a broken arm and was groaning and moaning in pain. As the boy was leading his dad back to the car, this is what the big fellow heard as they walked past him.
' Dad , for the the last time will you please quit telling people I am a dolphin trainer! I train Navy Seals for a living.'
Babies don't need vacations , but I still see them at the beach.
Steven Wright
There are times in life when people must learn when not to let go.
Baloons are designed to teach small children this. Terry Pratchett
